Hope is a strong word that can mean so many things: hope for the better, the worst, to be rich, to be happy, to feel fulfilled, to be an amazing athlete, to feel whole again……. My definition of hope begins with what can you achieve in a realistic mindset. Can you become the better man that you want to be for yourself or for others? I HOPE I can.
Over the past couple of years, it has been difficult to comprehend what the realistic outcome of any change would be. With the onset of the pandemic the whole world felt distant from each other. We no longer had the social interaction I so desperately needed, and it became the perfect storm that took my life on another path. I felt tired. My health was in disarray. I was complacent in what I had in front of me. I felt worthless and just a cog in the wheel. I worried night and day about when “normal” would come back. When would I feel the self-worth I was so desperately trying to achieve? I felt no hope at all. Hope-LESS
After years of tormenting myself in anxiety and depression, I’d say that hope eventually found me…and not in the best way. My body ached and I had sleepless nights. I felt so worn down and unhappy with my appearance I wanted to give up. I would be better off gone, I thought. But then, with a glimmer of hope I didn’t see in myself, my wife pushed/pleaded/insisted to get a physical. This is something I hadn’t done in over 15 years. Drumroll…..the bad news. Your liver is shot, kidneys a mess, cholesterol high and on the verge of diabetes, nerve problems, weight beyond reasonable, loss of memory, potential of cancer in your blood, and the list kept going. I saw more doctors and specialists over 3 months than I had in my entire life (not to mention all the blood work). I was 34….
That’s when HOPE reached out and saved my life.
Most people equate this to “the lightbulb turned on” notion. NO, mine was DO or DIE (physically or mentally). I did the tests, I then knew that if I didn’t change my behaviors and thoughts on both sides: I wouldn’t see my children grow up and they wouldn’t have a father I always wanted to be (irreparable), I’d be a bad partner and not commit to our vows for over 16 years (cowardly), I’d be a disappointment to my family and continuation of past experiences (guilt/recurrence), I’d be the pity of conversation with friends (embarrassment), I’d be the “guy” that couldn’t get over his own securities to save his life and the emotions of those around him (self-guilt).
Everything stated above was flowing through my head. Weird to think that with all that doubt and contradiction, end of life was still a thought. That’s #mental
It took time to calm down, but i knew that was the only way. Do some meditation, read some positive books (thanks Headway), workout to clear my mind. Most importantly, address my addiction with alcohol. I might not remember the exact day, but the day I chose to live for myself is the only reason I’m writing this today. My “light bulb turn ON”! From that day forward, while not always easy, I started applying the #mentalwork needed to be there for all those that needed me too. As an emotional person I think about the aftereffects “If” I were to do something selfish before doing so. I wish others would’ve done the same, but inner voices get you and they can’t overcome. I chose the feelings of those around me as a catalyst to be better. Get healthy, be present, seek help, feel the power of self-worth, work harder, appreciate what you have, HOPE to do better.
### This was a long story on my progression for HOPE and the possibilities, awareness, and simple therapeutic outlet I chose to explore, but more will come. My journey as of 1-2-2023 equates to: 45lbs lighter, anxiety reduced by action, bigger belief in self-worth, deeper understanding of HOPE, and my choice to exceed expectations.
Sadness.Hope.Anxiety.Addiction.Depression.Expectations